Craigslist: What?

I'm no stranger to Craigslist. Is that an awkward thing to admit? Should I have saved this for the fifth post, perhaps the seventh? It'd probably be fine if kept this information to myself? Oops, you see, I've got these loose lips that just won't quit! When I lived in San Francisco, I'd frequent Craigslist quite often. I bought an ipod mini from this dude from the East Bay. He was nice enough. We met downtown, exchanged the goods and were on our way. I sold the Nintendo 64 I had won from Taco Bell for some fast cash before I went to Europe. Now, that guy was kind of creepy. He wasn't sly about scoping out my room and totally asked if my white Northface fleece jacket was for sale too. I said, "Sir, you need to leave immediately. That is a woman's jacket. It is mine!" Lesson learned: Meet in a public place always. I also used Craigslist to meet new people. And in retrospect, as I write this now, I realize that all the women I met weren't quite right in the head. I made a picnic lunch for one woman and after eating her lunch she asked if she could finish mine. Bold move lady and no I am not done with my sandwich you need to get to steppin'. Another lady drank a whole bottle of wine at dinner and asked to stay the night at my apartment because she feared being kidnapped on the BART. Do adults kidnap other adults in public places? How would that work? And yet another girl tried to plant a kiss on my lips but in this gross kind of way I don't even want to think about it. That trickster. Inappropriate! Lessons learned: Weed out the crazies and look real hard for the nice girl. The funny one. The sweet one. Yeah, do that. In Los Angeles I went on one Craigslist date. I had to coordinate it when my Mom was out of town and my Dad was asleep. I baked this girl cookies and had her pick me up at my HOUSE, really Lauren, truly brilliant. I know what you're thinking: Perhaps it is I that is not quite right in the head. Yikes. I was so nervous I grabbed this dull pairing knife just in case things got crazy and I had to cut somebody. This lady made me incredibly uneasy from the get go. She talked about horror movies more than you and I would talk about horror movies and said she had a gun at her apartment and asked if I wanted to see it. Who has a gun these days? Truly. She also mentioned not liking high school very much because she "didn't learn a thing and it was dumb." For some reason, all reasons, I found this incredibly upsetting. It was at this moment that I faked a call to my Dad and asked her to take me home immediately. I worried she'd show up randomly with flowers and or said gun. I told my sister a couple days later and she advised if I felt the need to bring a knife on a date perhaps it wasn't a good idea to go on it. Incredible insight from a wise, wise woman. When I arrived in Seattle I had a nice little chat with Craigslist. I wasn't mean, I was firm and direct. I said: Don't mess this up. I request to meet a nice woman this time. A woman that learned many things in high school. A new city, I thought, with new ads and kind faces. That damn list led me astray once again. I met this lady for coffee and chick seemed nice enough. We (she) talked about her depression and her pet bunnies in Bellingham. We took a walk in the park and she asked if she was someone I could see myself with for the long haul. I stuttered. I had a beer with lunch, and then another. In my thai food haze (nervous eating) I thought it'd be a good idea to invite her to my apartment, meet my gentlemen cat and watch Planet Earth. Have mercy, Lauren. Get it together. She finally left at midnight after I put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth and made it a point to yawn a lot. I knew I never wanted to see her again. I wrote her an email saying just that. She wrote back asking for another chance, promising she could make me a very happy woman. I don't even know what that means, and Lord bless it I didn't want to find out. She even said she bought me a housewarming gift and wanted to give it to me as soon as possible. A gift? At midnight? Lessons learned: Craigslist is sketch-ville. Use it to find Jill Scott tickets and jobs only. Don't invite random women to your apartment. Don't make them cookies and force them to watch nature shows with you. Listen to your sister and don't bring dull knives on dates. Now you know ..