Bruce.

Have you ever been on a date when you didn't know it was a date? Me neither, until this afternoon. I just got back from one of the most awkward encounters of my life. But before I delve into these details let me give you a little back story for reference -- Turns up music, Neo Soul please -- Last week these two great, gregarious gentlemen came into REI looking for size huge hiking boots. They were hilarious together and I loved them immediately. One of them made an off colour remark regarding boot straps and moments later asked if I was a Jewish woman in the city. I told them I was half white half black and the bigger guy, the cooler one, whispered in my ear, "Wait, you're a mulatto?"Then I told them I had a girlfriend and they looked at me as though I had confessed being a closeted 'Frasier' fan. Both mouths agape. They guessed my age to be about 19 and were shocked to find out I was in my mid-twenties. We bumped video-phones and exchanged information (I wish I had you, iphone). Done and done, I thought. My new silver fox friends and I were going to tear this town up. But, were they gay together? Was one of them gay? I just couldn't figure it out! On their way out they handed me their business cards and information. The cooler one, William, is a professional photographer and Bruce, well, Bruce's card said just that: 'Bruce' with a phone number. Alright, this guy likes to keep things low key. He's a low maintenence kind of man. As they walked out of my life that afternoon, I remember thinking how badly I wanted them in my life. These two great guys, so funny, so gay. Just perfect ..
That evening I texted Bruce asking when we could hang out. We planned to meet at a coffee shop the next week. . I was totally looking forward to it and before I left my apartment I even put on the 'good' deoderant.
Long story long: Bruce is not a homosexual. He won't be my new silver fox friend. He told me about his recent divorce and how he's not quite sure his current girlfriend is someone he wants to be with forever. He said when he told her about our little excursion that she became incredibly incensed. You heard me correctly. A date, I was on a date? He told me I was beautiful and confessed wanting to be my boyfriend. He's been looking for an excuse to break things off with this woman and in his heart of hearts I think he wanted it to be me. Mid terriyaki bite I finally put all the pieces together. I almost spit out my food but it was so delicious I decided to swallow it instead. I inquired, "Are you trying to date me? Because clearly that isn't going to happen." I told him I had a girlfriend and was lesbian. I so badly wanted to recite that lesbian line from 'Mean Girls' but was afraid he wouldn't get the reference. Silver fox. My new silver fox friend was not gay at all. And despite my refusal to be his girlfriend he continued to try and convince me to date him. He spoke of his lesbian fantasy, blah, women are so much nicer, blah, I have a lot of gay friends, blah blah, I survived cancer, what? blah, I travel and work out, blah. I don't even know what happened next. I think he told me about having an inflatable penis. Is that a real thing? I think he asked if I worked out because I looked like an athlete. Is that a compliment? I was hanging onto my video-phone for dear life, anxiously hoping for a call or text or video text or voice mail or low battery vibrate - anything! He paid for my lunch -- so, thank you Bruce. He walked me to my apartment -- again, thank you?

And all along, even before shit got real, I wondered where the other guy was. The awesome one. The normal one?

So. That. Happened.

I won't be texting or seeing Bruce anymore .. But can I hang out with his friend without him knowing?

Also, why are people so crazy?